There’s always a choice, to not to be numb.

I know you’ve been really really tired. It feels like a long run of constant failure. The anxiety of always feeling not good enough, feeling that there’s always something’s missing.

I feel like, I fast forward everything. The millennials generation, is da real trap. I do fast fast fast. But the fact is, we can’t never really cheat time. When you try to do a shortcut of long process, this is what you feel.

To be honest, I really hate someone who made me here today. I still remember when he said, “It’s not about your work, your style, your portfolio. It’s about networking. People will pay you high and it’s not about your artwork.” And I follow it, and yes, I got a big amount of money in a really young career as a graphic designer, while my friends are still struggling making their own portfolio. I cheated the process. At first it feels really cool, with all of this money. But after 2 years, I know that I feel a great emptiness. I feel like, these 2 years, I never really made an artwork. Because I am just wanting the money.

It really drained my taste, my skill, my sense, and it’s not good.

I realise this, that if I keep doing this, I will be a human being that actually has no capability. I will lose the race with fellow designers that actually fulfilling the process right, and money will follow through. It’s never right, to do a shortcut. Smart, doesn’t always right. Everything can’t just be counted by how much you make. Indeed, empty heart and empty soul, are worse than empty bank account. Well, maybe in the other hand people with the opposite position will see this as an ungrateful moment. I should be grateful that I get many job opportunity in such a young age. But enough.. I will cheat the process no more.

I will stop taking jobs until graduation I think. Well If I do, I will extremely very picky. Do this job will improve me? Do I like doing it? Do it suit my taste? Can I grow in this project? Money will never be the subject, ever, again.

Yet again, I have to remind myself, not to be triggered by success story of young people to cut all the process, to reach wealthy in such a young age. SO WHAT? Oh god, it’s a real trap. Now I really get it, why everybody reminds the millennials not to get trapped in it. It will downgrade the generation for sure. Everybody will fast forward the process, and the quality will of course downgrading. Everybody will just chase the money. The instant fame. But not really having the good quality. Faking everything, but deep down they know that they’re very insecure, that they are actually not that good. That’s what I feel.

I know that nothing’s too late. It is a failure If I gave up. Okay, I will absolutely enjoy the beautiful process, of literally every single thing. This generation is fooled. I am really afraid when I finally realise this. How tragic is this. What on earth caused this tragic mind set?

So here goes the solution,

I will work, work, work on improving myself. Improving my friendship, the feel of missing an old friend. Having time together, having fun. Enjoying the process of engaging with someone, to finally be a life partner. Enjoying the slow process of opening up to someone step by step. Enjoying the slow living, to catch every little details with grace. Enjoying the struggle, the pain, the anxiety of producing bad bad bad design, but finally be able to improve and improve to finally be a kick ass designer. To sell design with dignity and quality.

I want to fill my life with a real quality. I don’t want to fill my life with fake process, and called it a ready to sell stuff. I know it’s a real trap. I can’t fall in the same hole ever again. I really am mad with everyone and the society why you let the millennials think like this? God, save this generation. Save me.

I will, see life as a beautiful process. So seize each day, and really enjoy every single one of it. To see every meeting, every event, every text, every photo, every make up, every writing, every design, every artwork, every relationship as something that I should cherished to the fullest. It’s life. And that’s it, cannot be corrupted, cannot be fast forward, cannot be instant. Don’t cheat life, don’t cheat time, don’t cheat. Just don’t.

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