I’ve been becoming this self where people see me as a highly motivated, passionate, and strong committed graphic designer, where pursuing my passion is my main goal. Honestly I ever made a promise to myself, to never ever let anything get me distracted, or give up to pursuing my dreams, to be an established graphic designer, because graphic design is my passion, it still is, and it will always will be.
Short story, I’m in the 5th semester of studying visual communication design, majoring in creative advertising. And my eyes are quite open, to see enough how the real design industry is, how it works, the drill, the high and low, even though i haven’t got in there for real. But I think I’ve done too many research, interviewing many people, and I think those reviews got in my head. Majoring in creative advertising, leads me to have much interest and passion in advertising industry, I think it’s really challenging, and it’s so cool to work with amazing ideas, to actually brain-washing people, solve almost every problem with creativity, how cool is that? Because I remember the main reason why I love design, is not how beautiful the design i can make, but how the design can influence and change people’s mindset for the better, and advertising is the real deal to get there.
But well, there’s always a price you have to pay right. I heard too much about the ‘dark side’ of the industry, where the competition is crazy, people stabbed you in the back, the drill and fast paced cycle, didn’t give you much chance to enjoy life. Being a woman, it’s quite challenging to see, on the other hand, the kind of ‘family oriented’ woman, who use beauty as their main goal (haha) are ready to find their perfect husband, who will give the fully financial support, but ask you to give up your job, and taking care of his children. Well, it is beautiful, really. But i don’t think i could be that kind of woman. I am aspire to marriage, of course, having a partner who will build the empire together, giving mutual support during the bright and dark days, I am.. so… missing that feeling.
But no, I can’t be a full housewife and giving up my job. I want a partner, who support each other’s passion, but we see family as the main point. You get what I mean? I see many couples managed to do so, well not many, but it’s possible to be done. But I am not that stupid, to believe that I can be a creative director in an agency, or even opening my own advertising agency, while I’m being a loving mom who cook and be in a parent meeting at the same time. It’s only 24 hours. What did you expect?
I.. don’t know where I’m heading next. I’m at this point where, all my plans are crashed. My relationship’s broken. Suddenly I gotta choose between my career or building a family. It’s really depressing, not knowing where you should go next.
I feel like I have to pause, for a while. But at the same time I realise that time wouldn’t wait. Other teenager in my age, are running a marathon, and I don’t want to be the one who give up in the middle of the road. I never though that this day actually come to me, because I have committed to myself, to never listen to anything that makes me give up on my dreams, but well that day comes.
I have managed to prove to quite many people that I am an established graphic designer, or at least have a quite big potential to be one. But when I’m about to do the ‘real jump’, I.. am not sure if the jump was right. I don’t really know what I want right now, I don’t know which option that leads me to the happiness I want.
I don’t even know what I want?
Do I want career? Young marriage? Be a good mom? To be a successful ad woman?
It feels like life gave me choices I had to make, and I can only choose one. Not two, not three. It’s depressing. I know I’m willing to give the hard work, I know I’m able to be a hard-working person, but right now I’m just afraid that I may work too hard not in the smartest way. I’m losing my life value and purpose.
Maybe this is the quarter life crisis.