Manusia adalah makhluk sosial.

Karena beberapa fakta ini:

  1. Kita semua dikendalikan oleh rasa takut kesepian.
  2. Rasa terpenuhi itu seperti batere telepon, harus selalu diisi, seberapa kamu merasa penuh (hati), waktu akan selalu menghabiskan ruang itu perlahan, sampai kamu akan merasa kosong lagi.

 

Kini baru aku mengerti, definisi frasa “Manusia adalah makhluk sosial”.

Teori itu dulu ku dapatkan di bangku SD, pada pelajaran PPKN, dengan perintah soal “Isilah titik titik yang kosong”, soal nya berbunyi “Manusia adalah makhluk _____”, dan aku akan mengisi itu dengan kata “sosial”, tanpa berfikir mengapa teori itu berkata demikian. Begitulah ironi menjadi anak sekolah dasar, mempelajari teori hafalan, mengintepretasikan seadanya, menghafalnya sampai mati, tapi tidak mengerti apa maksud dibaliknya. Sungguh ironi.

Kembali ke “Manusia adalah makhluk sosial”, dideskripsikan pada buku PPKN, bahwa manusia tidak bisa hidup seorang diri. Intrepretasiku sebagai murid sekolah dasar, “oh, iya aku tidak hidup tanpa dilahirkan ayah ibuku.” atau “oh, iya ayah dan ibuku membesarkanku ketika aku masih bayi, ketika aku belum bisa mengurus diriku sendiri”.

Sayang sekali.. aku berharap kalimat “Manusia adalah makhluk sosial”, hanya sebatas pemenuhan kebutuhan fisik, karena aku sadar kelak besar nanti, ketika aku bisa mandi sendiri, bisa mencari uang sendiri, bisa merawat tubuhku sendiri, akhirnya aku tidak perlu terjebak “membutuhkan orang lain”, karena aku sudah melewati pelajaran dimana tidak ada lagi orang yang akan berjuang, dan mencintai diriku dengan tulus, tanpa agenda lain, selain diriku sendiri.

Ternyata, ungkapan “makhluk sosial” itu lebih dalam dari pengertian yang aku tangkap di SD. Sebatang tembakau menyadarkanku di pukul 2.22 AM, 24 Januari 2018.

Ternyata ungkapan itu dalam sekali makna nya, sejak duduk di bangku sekolah dasar, mereka sudah membertahuku tentang teori rasa kesepian yang harus selalu diisi penuh seperti baterai bocor. Harus selalu diisi setiap hari, dan akan selalu berkurang setiap menit.

Ternyata itu adalah akar dari segala permasalahanku. Segala kebimbanganku. Segala pertimbanganku. Sehingga selalu ada masalah di setiap solusi baru. Aku harap “Aku bukan makhluk sosial”, “kehampaan bukanlah kelemahanku”, aku tidak pernah bisa merasa hampa, tidak pernah terganggu dengan kekosongan”,

__

Alangkah semua itu terjadi, sudah ku hidupkan mimpiku untuk menjadi seorang creative director sebuah agensi periklanan yang khusus menangani kampanye sosial, untuk menyuarakan mereka yang bungkam, tak bisa bersua.

Wah, sungguh mulia juga ya mimpiku? Memang itulah, esensi dari hasratku dalam mempertimbangkan apa yang aku ingin lakukan, apa yang ingin aku tuju, kemana hasratku mengarah? Aku harus bisa memberikan perubahan bagi orang banyak.

Aku tau dimana letak impian itu, peta bagaimana menuju kesana. Tapi kakiku kaku, dirantai seribu lidah-lidah api yang berkata, “siapkan kamu merasakan sakitnya menjadi makhluk sosial ketika kamu ingin memberikan dirimu seutuhnya untuk orang banyak?”

Kemudian aku membeku. Diam. Bernafas tapi tak bergerak. Berjalan di tempat. Surviving day by day. I wish i could describe better than this writing.

Oh, manusia. Terkutuklah hidupmu.

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Dreams, family, success?

Here’s the option I got:

  1. Taking post-graduate degree in design. I think RMIT University, is always been dream. It’s in Melbourne, it’s the best #17 design major university in the world. And after doing some research, I found out that so many great advertising agency who got rewards are in Australia. BBDO Australia got the advertising agency in Cannes Lions this year. And so many design studios too. But actually, New York is the dream plan. Like seriously, I think the one thing that could re-fire me is the dream I can be the creative director in one of New York’s advertising agency. SHIT.
  2. Go straight building career in advertising agency. I start my career in 21st, which is actually SO LATE, David Droga started working in agency when he was 18. And here, in Indonesia, I know that I couldn’t expect much. I should go other countries where the advertising is much more ahead. But i realise, that my family is not a wealthy one, I will really need so much money, my parents are getting old, i need to have stable job, in case survival mode is needed. And the thing I worry is, agency love young people. So if started the career in 24, so in what age I will get the high position? And I mean, I have to get married? See? It’s hard already.
  3. Taking post-graduate in business. This is the plan when I decided that i have given up advertising and design industry. I will absolutely take master degree in business, to soon enough opening my own business. Opening a business actually is quite hopeful where I can have a steady and close family, because I know when a business is quite steady already, I will have a very flexible time to manage my business, I can manage my family time. But you know, building a business is not that easy either, so many business are failing before even started.

I’m quite done with having a fixed plan you know, because everything I have planned, once again, it’s like God wanted me to understand to trust him, more. To keep my option open, while giving my best in my condition at the moment.

I let my future to be a beautiful mystery God has prepared for me, because I fully trust Him, and I know he understands me the best, He knows what I want, what will be my destiny, what could bring me happiness. He got it best.

So yeah, here I am right now.

20s life crisis.

I’ve been becoming this self where people see me as a highly motivated, passionate, and strong committed graphic designer, where pursuing my passion is my main goal. Honestly I ever made a promise to myself, to never ever let anything get me distracted, or give up to pursuing my dreams, to be an established graphic designer, because graphic design is my passion, it still is, and it will always will be.

Short story, I’m in the 5th semester of studying visual communication design, majoring in creative advertising. And my eyes are quite open, to see enough how the real design industry is, how it works, the drill, the high and low, even though i haven’t got in there for real. But I think I’ve done too many research, interviewing many people, and I think those reviews got in my head. Majoring in creative advertising, leads me to have much interest and passion in advertising industry, I think it’s really challenging, and it’s so cool to work with amazing ideas, to actually brain-washing people, solve almost every problem with creativity, how cool is that? Because I remember the main reason why I love design, is not how beautiful the design i can make, but how the design can influence and change people’s mindset for the better, and advertising is the real deal to get there.

But well, there’s always a price you have to pay right. I heard too much about the ‘dark side’ of the industry, where the competition is crazy, people stabbed you in the back, the drill and fast paced cycle, didn’t give you much chance to enjoy life. Being a woman, it’s quite challenging to see, on the other hand, the kind of ‘family oriented’ woman, who use beauty as their main goal (haha) are ready to find their perfect husband, who will give the fully financial support, but ask you to give up your job, and taking care of his children. Well, it is beautiful, really. But i don’t think i could be that kind of woman. I am aspire to marriage, of course, having a partner who will build the empire together, giving mutual support during the bright and dark days, I am.. so… missing that feeling.

But no, I can’t be a full housewife and giving up my job. I want a partner, who support each other’s passion, but we see family as the main point. You get what I mean? I see many couples managed to do so, well not many, but it’s possible to be done. But I am not that stupid, to believe that I can be a creative director in an agency, or even opening my own advertising agency, while I’m being a loving mom who cook and be in a parent meeting at the same time. It’s only 24 hours. What did you expect?

I.. don’t know where I’m heading next. I’m at this point where, all my plans are crashed. My relationship’s broken. Suddenly I gotta choose between my career or building a family. It’s really depressing, not knowing where you should go next.

I feel like I have to pause, for a while. But at the same time I realise that time wouldn’t wait. Other teenager in my age, are running a marathon, and I don’t want to be the one who give up in the middle of the road. I never though that this day actually come to me, because I have committed to myself, to never listen to anything that makes me give up on my dreams, but well that day comes.

I have managed to prove to quite many people that I am an established graphic designer, or at least have a quite big potential to be one. But when I’m about to do the ‘real jump’, I.. am not sure if the jump was right. I don’t really know what I want right now, I don’t know which option that leads me to the happiness I want.

I don’t even know what I want?

Do I want career? Young marriage? Be a good mom? To be a successful ad woman?

It feels like life gave me choices I had to make, and I can only choose one. Not two, not three. It’s depressing. I know I’m willing to give the hard work, I know I’m able to be a hard-working person, but right now I’m just afraid that I may work too hard not in the smartest way. I’m losing my life value and purpose.

Maybe this is the quarter life crisis.

There’s always a choice, to not to be numb.

I know you’ve been really really tired. It feels like a long run of constant failure. The anxiety of always feeling not good enough, feeling that there’s always something’s missing.

I feel like, I fast forward everything. The millennials generation, is da real trap. I do fast fast fast. But the fact is, we can’t never really cheat time. When you try to do a shortcut of long process, this is what you feel.

To be honest, I really hate someone who made me here today. I still remember when he said, “It’s not about your work, your style, your portfolio. It’s about networking. People will pay you high and it’s not about your artwork.” And I follow it, and yes, I got a big amount of money in a really young career as a graphic designer, while my friends are still struggling making their own portfolio. I cheated the process. At first it feels really cool, with all of this money. But after 2 years, I know that I feel a great emptiness. I feel like, these 2 years, I never really made an artwork. Because I am just wanting the money.

It really drained my taste, my skill, my sense, and it’s not good.

I realise this, that if I keep doing this, I will be a human being that actually has no capability. I will lose the race with fellow designers that actually fulfilling the process right, and money will follow through. It’s never right, to do a shortcut. Smart, doesn’t always right. Everything can’t just be counted by how much you make. Indeed, empty heart and empty soul, are worse than empty bank account. Well, maybe in the other hand people with the opposite position will see this as an ungrateful moment. I should be grateful that I get many job opportunity in such a young age. But enough.. I will cheat the process no more.

I will stop taking jobs until graduation I think. Well If I do, I will extremely very picky. Do this job will improve me? Do I like doing it? Do it suit my taste? Can I grow in this project? Money will never be the subject, ever, again.

Yet again, I have to remind myself, not to be triggered by success story of young people to cut all the process, to reach wealthy in such a young age. SO WHAT? Oh god, it’s a real trap. Now I really get it, why everybody reminds the millennials not to get trapped in it. It will downgrade the generation for sure. Everybody will fast forward the process, and the quality will of course downgrading. Everybody will just chase the money. The instant fame. But not really having the good quality. Faking everything, but deep down they know that they’re very insecure, that they are actually not that good. That’s what I feel.

I know that nothing’s too late. It is a failure If I gave up. Okay, I will absolutely enjoy the beautiful process, of literally every single thing. This generation is fooled. I am really afraid when I finally realise this. How tragic is this. What on earth caused this tragic mind set?

So here goes the solution,

I will work, work, work on improving myself. Improving my friendship, the feel of missing an old friend. Having time together, having fun. Enjoying the process of engaging with someone, to finally be a life partner. Enjoying the slow process of opening up to someone step by step. Enjoying the slow living, to catch every little details with grace. Enjoying the struggle, the pain, the anxiety of producing bad bad bad design, but finally be able to improve and improve to finally be a kick ass designer. To sell design with dignity and quality.

I want to fill my life with a real quality. I don’t want to fill my life with fake process, and called it a ready to sell stuff. I know it’s a real trap. I can’t fall in the same hole ever again. I really am mad with everyone and the society why you let the millennials think like this? God, save this generation. Save me.

I will, see life as a beautiful process. So seize each day, and really enjoy every single one of it. To see every meeting, every event, every text, every photo, every make up, every writing, every design, every artwork, every relationship as something that I should cherished to the fullest. It’s life. And that’s it, cannot be corrupted, cannot be fast forward, cannot be instant. Don’t cheat life, don’t cheat time, don’t cheat. Just don’t.

The life that full of truths.

I want this writing to be my lifetime reminder, to what ever situation I’m facing, no matter how good or bad my day is, I just want to remember this.

I am so lucky today I met someone that inspires me a lot, about design, but turns out it affects me how to see life in the RIGHT perspective. I am very grateful, that actually in this 20, I see a lot of things, that maybe not much people see this in my young age.

I had a very serious relationship, once, and realise that human is not the right place to put your faith on, but it is in God, only. I met, enough, mature guys who cheated on their wives, but showing very good acting & loving in front of her. I met so many people faking their happiness, wealthy, glorious in life, the fact that they feel nothing but extremely lonely. And so many people, who’s trying so hard, to impress people, with anything they can fake, they fake it, but the fact that they have nothing, literally nothing but self-disappointment, and endless craving for worldly things.

But in the other side, I also met people with a very generous, honest, sincere heart, but still they make enough to live properly, and a few them, more than enough. Please note this, it is possible, to get enough.. just because we’re living on the RIGHT track. In fact, you will also fill your heart, with love, gratitude, self-respect, self-love, realising that you actually have touched so many people. It feels like.. nothing else in this world. Money, position, million of followers, sophisticated clothes, branded bags and shoes, only gives you temporary pleasure, so temporary that you can’t imagine. You will always feel thirsty, and crave and crave and crave for more, but it gives you nothing, but emptiness.

I’ve been searching the wrong way. For 20 years, I’ve learned so much about life, and I know I will learn more and more, in the coming age. But I really want to practice this belief for my whole life. I promise I will. I will read this writing again if I ever feel like I started to lose myself to temporary things in life.

Even I realise this funny thing today. There will always be someone who’s better than you. Always. So if you bragged so much about yourself, people may be impressed for a minute. But the minute they found out someone greater than you, they will see you as a literal trash, although there are also many people that’s worse than you.

BUT, in the other hand, even, when you just have this average skills, or things, or whatever it is, but you act so kind, so generous, you touch people heart, they will see you 10x bigger than you actually are. I know that sounds weird, but I realise it in this position after I met many kinds of people, I become wiser and wiser each day, how to live the way I want to.

I didn’t say that this is the right thing in life, people see things differently, raised from different background, but here’s my personal belief. I promise, I will be a very skilled person in the subject I love, I will work so hard in the right track, the right procedure, and not taking the shortcut if it’s against the rule, you can take the shortcut if there’s a staircase in it. But if you put other people’s head as a staircase, and you step on it, you are a demon. I will share my knowledge, share my experience, to help others, whoever it is I can help, I will make sure that I leave no room for jealousy, cheating, lies, bad intentions, tricks, faking what I actually don’t have, and living an honest and passionate life. I will never count people’s opinion about this way of living, let they judge what they want to judge. They only judge from their level of knowledge and their own capability. And my God knows that this way is what He leads me to, this past few years, those hard days, it leads me here.

I’m 20. And I don’t want to be controlled by money, position, praises, hedonistic, and jealousy. I want to be a good, good, good, both heart and skill. I will be the best in my jobs, yet I want to be that person with the kindest heart, to share my tiny knowledge if I can share it to help others. I want to fill my life with goodness, with something that, i know, it will never change the world, it may never change someone’s life, but I know that I will make it a better place. To start what’s be started, to pay it forward, and I let God do the rest. And I know he will see this as something he should protect and support. I trust Him a lot, and I’m not afraid to be dare to claim it as my life’s purpose started from the minute I write this post. I know it wont be easy, my past was full of fake superficial things. I thought it’s the point of living, impressing people, filling your bank account, buying expensive and branded things, raising your followers as many as you can, honey, it gives me nothing but a really really painful emptiness. It is, just, wrong.

So i will end this writing here, because I think I have said it all. Lastly, you are on the right track just by realising this today. And you’re halfway to go. Good bye, and good luck!

You are always welcome.

Good night Jesus,

 

Thank you again, for rescuing me for the thousand times in my life. I’m sorry for being so arrogant, thinking that I can solve this my way, that i don’t need you, that it’s okay to not needing you.

Not it’s never been okay.

You are the only source I could live with, without you, I am dying.

You are my living battery, my energy source, my pure water, my fresh air, and If i chose anything else but you, i would die. Because I only could live breathing you, consuming you, living in you. I would die, hurting, aching, drowning if i ever leave you.

You are the only source. Nothing else.

Thank you Jesus, for always being there, and never let me down, I know that I would always be disappointed if i put my expectations on people. I know that there’s no other source but you. Without you I can do nothing. There, I said it. There’s no better explanation for it.

 

It’s okay.

To fail sometimes. Because it’s not flesh and bodies you’re fighting to. It’s darkness, it’s bad spirit. Consuming you and drowning you down. Sometimes you’re off guard, but one thing you have to remember is to, DON’T EVER IGNORE JESUS.

He knows that you may took a lot of bad decisions recently. He knows that you didn’t mean it at the first place. He knows that you have good intention, you are a good person. He knows that you don’t want to disappoint Him. He knows that you love Him so much. Failing the trials doesn’t mean that you didn’t love him, or you didn’t want to listen to him. It just simply means that you’re a human, sometimes you failed the trials, and he understands.

 

So please, please, please,

Come to Jesus. In any situation you are, right now.

No matter how dirty you are, how bad you are, how stupid you are, or even how disappointing you are to Jesus, he will be more disappointed if you turn you head away from him after all you’ve done.

It’s okay. He’s forgiven you. He sees everything. He understands why you did what you did, better than anyone else. Even better than yourself. It’s okay. He’s glad that you’re back. You’ve been lost, but you’ve come home now. You are more than welcome, he will throw a party for you. He understands everything, he’s your most understanding father.

 

You could hug him.

You can hug even hug him till he couldn’t breath just because you know how relieving it is to know that you’re always safe in His arm. To know that he will always giving you the best advice. To know that he will always accept you in whatever condition you are now. To know that he’s the one who will never disappoint you. To know that he’s the one who see the REAL you and still accept and love you no matter what. That he’s the one who’s seen everything about you, and don’t have any bad intention or taking advantages of you.

 

He’s the one.

Please remember that. Please. You should come back to Jesus :”)

Please. don’t fight this alone, okay? You know who you’re fighting right? :”)

 

He loves you so much. He’s the one who deserves my purest love. My true love. My trust. My everything. He’s the true place to put my anxiety, my tiring day, my impossible problems, my hurting heart, my disappointing life, my everything.

I love you Jesus. I know that I would never love anyone bigger than this.

Thank you, for BEING THERE. To be exist at the first place. Because, i don’t know what i would do without you. Nothing? Yes, nothing. Nothing I could do without you.

Thank you, at last. You know how much I love you right? :”)

The first of everything.

Angels

“It happens like this. One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else—closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps because this person carries an angel within them—one sent to you for some higher purpose, to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them—even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering—the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.

Though here is a word of warning—you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled, the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It’s so dark right now, I can’t see any light around me.

That’s because the light is coming from you. You can’t see it but everyone else can.”

— Lang Leav. “Love & Misadventure.” iBooks.

 

This is a very good poem. And actually this one answers all of my questions about life. The ones I could never understand why. I tried, but I end up hurting myself. But as the time goes by, I finally can understand why things happened one at a time.

And here’s my thought,

Well, maybe falling in love and broken heart will always going to be someone’s part of growing up. And usually, it happens in your teenage life, the first time of everything. Your first falling in love will thrill you the most, and also your first broken-heart would hurt you the most. And, we, teenage, often see a relationship is as pure as sharing an unconditionally love, that kind of love who will fight for everything to be with the one we love the most. And the fact that maybe it’s more than that.

Maybe that person help you to find who you truly are, maybe they teach you how to love yourself, or how to save yourself. Maybe this person comes when you feel like you’re not worthy, you didn’t feel wanted, you feel like you mean nothing to this whole world, maybe you feel like no one would ever love the darkest side of you, and suddenly this strangers came and say that you are the most beautiful creature they’ve ever seen, and turns out that your darkest side is their favorite. And suddenly every theory changes, every painful memories faded, you feel like life is a gift, and even earth is not the one who’s holding the gravity, it’s them. You worship them. You thank God, because you feel saved. You feel like they give you a meaning why you were exist. This whole time you feel like an unworthy human being, but suddenly you feel so special. They literally save you. You finally started to love yourself and be grateful about this life, and you are able to be loved. You are not horrible. You ever felt that?

And the minute you felt all that miracles, that unexpected moment that you thought you would never feel. You feel like you’re the most special person on this whole wide world, because you are simply lucky to have experienced it all. Well, maybe almost everybody has felt that, to be saved. And they come up with their own version broken heart story. And that’s why almost every teenage girls are screaming about it.

When you finally realise you’re beautiful, you’re worthy, you are enough. Well, the lesson’s learned. and yeah, the angel has to leave the body, that’s the moment when finally you realise that you have to let them go. Maybe they hurt you, maybe they broke your heart, all the promises are just words. When it felt like hell to remember those words, “I will always fight for you, no matter how hard the condition is, I will love you unconditionally.” That hurts the most to see the fact that they actually left. They didn’t leave, it’s just simply the angel leaves their body. The lesson has ended, and I just simply have to take a higher class. I’ve passed this one..

So…

 

Dear everyone who feels the same way,

You don’t have to feel like this is your fault. You feel like at the end of the day that you’re not enough. That nobody will ever love you completely. He doesn’t have to. You have to do it yourself anyway. And, you don’t have to hate him. Life will works for you, and you can’t be mad if life works for him too. He deserves to be happy, like you do right? You just have to try… to simply see him as a passed lesson. He was a good teacher, he taught you well. And let it remain untouchable. Leave is as a good memories, he will always be part of you, part of who you are now, because maybe without him you won’t be here now, so you don’t hate them. You have to thank them, to teach you lesson in the most beautiful way. it’s the goodbye who hurt you, the fact that you want some more.

It was not a mistake after all. By this writing i understand one more lesson.

Since now, I will never hate you again. I will never hurt myself again to think that it’s all my fault, or yours. I will see you as a person who helped me. And I will thank you for that. I don’t have to compare my next one with you. Because people are all different, and I know someone will teach me different lessons someday. You are part of my life, and I can’t delete that from my life.

Here is how I see you,you are one of many pages of my life,
you give me lessons,but, well, your page is over,
and my book is a long way to go,
I can’t stuck in one page for my whole life,

You are meant to be passed on,
I’m not meant to read one page for my whole life,
And you should too,
And I can’t be mad at you if you did,

We all moved on,
we all turn pages of our life
and it’s not a bad thing or even the things we should be sad about,
it’s just as simply as turning a new chapter of life,and I know,

many pages are waiting for me,
they are ready to give me lessons,
so much more to learn,

this life is pretty amazing and really is a miracle,
we need so many lessons to learn how to survive it,

we can’t live with just ‘that’ one lesson,
there’s still so much more to come.
and it’s a mistake if you think that you should stuck in one lesson.

so i am ready 🙂
to turn the page of my life book

I should close your chapter now,

thankyou, for everything
you’ve been an amazing chapter in my book

and you will always be one. 🙂